This week, I’m feeling all kinds of schmoopy about my man. I’ve written about him a lot this year, and if you’ve read along, you know we’ve had our ups and downs. It’s been a part of our dynamic since the beginning of our mutual courtship to have some dramatic flare-ups once in a while. We are, if nothing else, highly engaged with each other.
As time rolls on, I find both he and I are mellowing in some ways, settling into the relationship and trusting it a bit more while continuing to nurture the love between us. Neither of us wants to lose it; we both know from experience how a marriage can seem fine…until it’s not. It’s too easy to downplay the small gaps that appear, the moments of disconnection that seem like no big deal until they expand like a balloon, stretching you until you’re finally at your breaking point. Those tiny gaps occur all the time in relationships. There is everyday wear and tear, the way you bump up against your partner and take things out on him and require more of him and push him and sometimes bring your worst self to him, all while asking him to keep seeing you the way you’d most like to be seen.
With Newman, it’s easier in some ways simply because he fits me so well; I can understand his sensitivities because I recognize them as my own. The things I naturally want to do to take care of myself are things he enjoys too, so we are able to connect regularly through shared time. It’s also true that I am better, now, as a partner to him than I was to my ex; I have learned more patience and kindness and how to take more responsibility for my own happiness. When I bring myself to him, it is more often a better self, if not always a best self. He does the same for me, and this cycle helps us to keep inspiring the other and to keep renewing ourselves through contact with the other.
Besides all that, of course, there is the reality that I am ridiculously in love with this man. He is incredibly sexy to me. I want to curl up next to him all the time. This post sums up how I feel about him. Even when he drives me crazy, I want to hit him…with my lips.
Like right now, he is jabbering on about something or other, the silly la-la chatter that he does sometime that makes no sense and drives me crazy but also makes me laugh out loud. I just looked at him, trying hard to stop grinning, and told him to stop it already so I can get my writing done and get to the kissing phase of the evening.
He’s still talking. The man is incorrigible. I’m outright ignoring him, except that I can’t ignore him for long. If he falls asleep without me, I’ll miss the kiss. I love the kiss. There is something so amazing about giving your full attention to your partner and letting all your senses be present to a kiss. It’s all I need to keep going, even in the dead of winter. Sidenote: yesterday was the first strike of the blues, and it wiped me out for the whole day. I’m purposely not writing about it because it doesn’t own me today. Last night, Newman got home at 9pm after driving close to two hours in a snowstorm, and then (after kissing me) went outside to work the driveway with the snow-blower for another forty-five minutes. And he did it without complaint.
That, my friends, is true love, and I do not take it for granted. He and I are figuring it out together, slowly downsizing our drama and tuning into the tenderness. Do you want to know the secret to long-lasting relationships? Well, I’m starting to get a tiny glimpse into how they work, and one part of it is kindness every day. I’m determined to be a better woman for my man because so far, that has brought me more in return than I ever could have hoped for.
I know this post is a little all over the place. That’s just how it has to be for now, though, as I promised myself I would keep trying to post new writing and because my man is now no longer talking, and I’m afraid he’s going to fall asleep without me. Goodnight for now.